my first time...putting myself out "there"

OK, deep breath!  just listened to the ethereal music of the meditation, am tired of ignoring my Self, my Spirit and getting lost in the to-do's of home ownership, career, a wild, overgrown garden and love...oh love...sweet as it is.

Parenting half-time allows me much freedom, yet, the constant nag of worry is still there, even when my beautiful, talented and amazing daughters are with their dad.  Being in relationship, as delight-filled and intimate and challenging as it is, will be on-hold while John leaves town for 2 weeks.  Work is so crazy busy and deadline driven currently, I'm dropping balls...then to go to the mall and spend so much money!  On myself!  Guilt ridden and wondering where my discipline and resolve was ...I sit at the computer, playing mindless games, respond on FB and plan my weekly calendar.  Not even the lovely ritual of coffee feels right today...possibly due to the heaviness of energy around the memories of 9.11?  Or, that my solitude will be broken with two high-energy, emotional teens moving into the space of my home?  Or, that my floor is filthy, the weather is calling me outside, yet the weeds and overgrowth need my attention too?  I want to go to the Beach, whines my inner child.  I want to play with my paints, demands my creative self, I want to feel comfort in my surroundings and they are messy!  says my inner critic/perfectionist.

What to do?  How to Be?  Where's the LOVE?  Feeling out-of-body energy vibes since before dawn...then overly weightiness of my physical body struggling with the environs...Time and Space?  What's up today?  The cicadas/crickets/grasshoppers are all doing their thing.  But that's it.  No breeze,  No other sounds, not even neighbor's lawn equipment...guess they are done, (finally!)

So uncertain as to where to place my intention for the day.  Want to make the most of this time of quiet, before the week starts it's wheel-turning, mind-frenzy of activities and routines.  So blessed am I!  To have this time of stillness and solitude.  How do I enjoy it?  Absorb it into my Being?  Make the most of it...stretch it to the limits of the time and space of Today?

I know one thing, I need to get away from the computer.  Be mindful, still and heal.  This week of discovery and discussion about our love not being enough, not being perfect, as well as the world's constant talk about war, hatred, 9.11, economic downfall, racism, ugliness and pain... I just want to tap into the Joy, the Love, the FLOW of divine here on Earth,  So, here goes~  will report back later...