Why can't I have an Ego-free discussion with my Dad?

Keywords: arguments, communication, family, family therapy, power in we

Categories: Kids & Family, Self-help, Personal development & Spirituality

Published On: Apr 04, 2010

Last updated on:: Apr 04, 2010

I was having a discussion turned argument today with my dad. This is the usual for us. We have a hard time with 'discussions' due to the ego-flairs that happen. You see, we tend to disagree quite a bit in our view of the world, and he is always right. :-) And when he insists that he is right, my ego just can't seem to sit back and take it. Then I want to beat myself up for getting sucked into that trap again and again! Alas! This is the cycle I am trying to end.

I am a great studier of communication, and I typically enjoy discussing issues with people who have a different point of view. It is actually a great learning experience in that you learn a different point of view and you learn how to better understand others and yourself. If the other person is willing to be okay with the fact that there may not be any agreement between us, it turns out to be a great experience for all involved.

However, if one person insists on being right, this changes the dynamics quite significantly. With most people I find that I can still stay open-minded and not feel threatened by their need to be right. My ego stays out of it, and it remains a discussion rather than an argument. Another thing that helps me to 'agree to disagree' is to remember that reality for each one of us as individuals is whatever we believe it to be. Therefore, we are ALL right--even when it seems we are in direct opposition to someone else. Is that possible? Can we all be right or does someone else have to be wrong in order for us to be right?

Maybe that is something while I choose to believe it, I have not fully 'downloaded' it into my psyche yet, and that is why my ego flairs up when my dear old dad insists that he is right. Maybe I still think that if he is right, then I must be wrong, and that just can't be. :-)

He seems to be the only one left in my life currently who I still compete with for 'rightness' and with whom I become so emotionally charged. Strange, but I feel a breakthrough coming on...stay tuned!

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ian russell wrote at 09:12:26 AM on Apr 07, 2010

Socrates said he considered he was the wisest man because he was the only one who knew he knew nothing. Well, I'm no Socrates but I do believe that everything is more complicated than we imagine.

When I get trapped in a discussion I can't win, I stop giving answers and start asking questions. That way you can at least come away with a draw.

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Linda McPharlin wrote at 05:29:47 PM on Apr 07, 2010

Thank you for the insight Ian! Not only does asking questions take away the immediate 'threat' of a "who's right battle," but interestingly enough, I think it may give the asker the upper hand--if there is in fact such a thing. :-)

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David Einert wrote at 03:46:54 AM on Apr 09, 2010

Linda,
A thought are you judging still? If you are the battles will continue. What is the alternative? Observation. Now it can be easy for you or tough. I am working on this same exercise in my life with people. Some days are more productive and easier than others and I am starting to get the hang of it. The problem with Dad is it's personal and perhaps there are unsolved struggles going on YET if you no longer judge your Dad...

The part you wrote about being right... Linda this is a judgment. I have known for years that we have the option to be right or get along which is the most important? Another choice is observing and not to judge then we are not right or wrong we are what we are along with who others are.

Dave

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Linda McPharlin wrote at 02:46:26 AM on Apr 13, 2010

Thanks for your response Dave! Yes, I am judging. That is definitely the issue here. The funniest thing about it is that I judge my dad for judging others so harshly and for always being "right" or for being a know-it-all of sorts. So, I am judging him negatively for doing the very things that I am doing. Is that confusing enough? Quite humorous how this little cycle works really...don't you think? Once you figure it out though, you CAN change it, and with changing this cycle comes a change in the relationship--almost instantaneously!

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David Einert wrote at 02:51:50 AM on Apr 15, 2010

Linda,
Wow and yes the relationship changes yet is it our perception or the other person or both? Have you ever noticed that when mood or that possibly anger or frustration that a huge warm smile from another person often calms and brings light into our being? I am not sure if they are judging or observing yet just being...

Dave

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David Einert wrote at 04:49:01 AM on Jul 26, 2010

Linda,
We are who we are until we view ourselves differently or that others view us different. The issue is that most often they the (perception does not meet), unless people team together and stick to a story. A great example is the winners and loser's in day to day life. Those who we have assigned winners can and sometimes are stinkers but we forgive and forget; when we label someone a looser in our mind either singularly or in a group that person can change but the people who have assigned them a looser won't see it or acknowledge that they are now a winner and not a stinker. Stinkers want to hold on to their view(s) of others because it seems to say to the mind/body WE were right or that WE have control of the situation. WE do have choice or control or give up the control of our actions to feelings or others whims and fancy yet that is often a choice that causes us and others problems.

We are a people of stories and we sometimes tell the truth and sometimes story. The thing about computer records and written material it leads to accuracy in what has gone on in the past. Those who journal and are not honest in what they write enforce a story that becomes real in their minds and of others.

About your Dad "Why can't I have an Ego-free discussion with my Dad?" I have given it more thought and yes the word action judgment is there YET the huge thing is our mind/body thinking that it is all there is and that we are all of that. An effective short term and long term motivator is fear yet when we start to understand who we are and that death has no meaning to our core being and the only thing afraid is the mind and body. It too should not worry because its memory, experiences, thoughts are never lost they are adsorbed within the collective memory of our core being(s) Today I was awakened with the knowledge of how much this existence and is coupled with the mind/body AND that it suppresses our understanding and acceptance of who we are. This is my understanding and thoughts some may agree or not and that is OK and fine. My point is that we associate with our Ego as who we are not the core being that links with this mind body. Thank you for the spark of light and heat that helped me understand more of what is and what is not.
Dave

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marilyn milam wrote at 04:34:35 AM on Dec 15, 2010

The "other" is a mirror. The original argument most likely occurred when you were a child. Out of this incident you created a belief about your father "always having to be right". Out of that belief your ego keeps recreating the scenario again and again in an effort to prove that YOU are right. In the book "The Presence Process "Michael Brown calls this a "setup".

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marilyn milam wrote at 04:35:19 AM on Dec 15, 2010

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Linda McPharlin wrote at 03:48:55 AM on Dec 17, 2010

Very insightful Marilyn! Thank you for sharing that. Isn't the ego a clever thing?

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