Jodie is the regional manger for a large clothing chain. At 38 life, on
the whole, is pretty good, except for that constant gnawing feeling
that she is missing her soul mate. She feels she is finally in a really
good job that pays well and is very satisfying and diverse. She’s close
to her mum and talks to her on the phone every week, has great friends,
has finally saved enough to put a deposit on her own home. Like many
women her age, she lives alone and coming home into her empty flat
after a long day at work gives her a sharp tight, pang in the pit of
her stomach. It’s a familiar feeling that she’s had for sometime now.
She recognises it as loneliness. She sits down and turns the TV on and
contemplates a glass of wine. Her reward, she tells herself, after a
hard day’s work. She feels a wave of longing move through, she would
dearly love someone to come home to, someone to ask her about her day,
give her a hug and maybe even share a glass of wine with her.
She’s been single for over three
years now after a series of hits and misses with guys who weren’t
really there for her. They would initially appear interested but then
after a little while would not return her calls, her text messages or
emails. She couldn’t understand this because she spent so much time
trying to work out what they wanted, trying to please them, trying to
be the woman they said they were looking for. What was wrong with her,
what was she missing?
This was one area in her life where
she felt at an absolute loss, even despairing. The last guy she was
with lasted for three months before she found out he’d been surfing the
internet dating sites behind her back and meeting other women. This
really knocked her confidence and trust in men. What did she have to do
to keep a guy? Why did she keep attracting the same sort of guy –
different package on the outside but on the inside they had the same
remoteness, lack of interest and respect.
She was an intelligent, good
looking, financially independent woman. All her friends knew her as an
incredibly generous person. So what was going on?
After the last guy, Jodie came to
work on her relationship disasters in therapy. It became quickly
apparent that, like many of us, Jodie had a big inner part of herself
that was highly critical and constantly put her down, diminished her
needs. The bottom line was that she didn’t believe she was lovable, and
didn’t really believe she could get the guy she was longing for. She
spent a lot of time giving to and pursuing the guys she had started a
relationship with, believing that’s what you do to be loved. But she
was exhausted and had lost hope that someone might one day give back to
her.
She was hoping to meet someone who
would love her in ways that she wasn’t able to love herself. This was a
problem, given that she was so practised at dismissing her own feelings
and needs. How she felt about herself, and treated herself, was often
reflected in the partners she was attracted to. The first step for her
was to stop and notice this and to notice earlier, and not later, that
they weren’t into her and stop the pursuing. And more than that, some
of them had treated her appallingly and she kept giving.
She started to consciously work on
noticing when this critical part of her self steps in, cuts her down or
dismisses her feelings when she’s hurt or angry. She started attending
to and taking more seriously the parts of herself that were vulnerable
and needy and needed to be soothed (by herself!) in a kind,
compassionate and loving way – or reached out to others for support.
Strengthening this part of herself that is deeply loving and
unequivocally attentive of her own needs is like being the loving and
attentive partner she longs for 24/7. This was the challenge – can she
love herself, pleasure herself, enjoy her own company, nurture herself
and be the super duper, soul mate that she’s longing for?
Initially making time for her own
pleasure felt selfish for Jodie. I had to agree with her – yes, she did
need to be more self-ish rather than other-ish, given that her focus on
others’ needs was way out of balance. She needed to even things out.
Was she super woman?!! Even superwoman needed time out and could
probably have used a good massage every now and then.
Jodie starting to explore what her
needs actually were, getting to learn about the things that gave her
pleasure and nurtured her. She gradually started to practise acts of
kindness that consciously nurtured herself. She made a special vow to
herself that she would never leave herself, especially when she was
down, hurt or vulnerable. She would listen to her needs and take her
needs seriously. She was learning to open her heart and soul to herself
and see her own lovability. When she got home she didn’t go straight
for the TV, she lit some candles instead and put some beautiful music
on. She bought herself flowers every week and started to go to yoga
classes rather than working back late all the time. She noticed that
some friends loved this new change in her, and supported her 100%,
while others who didn’t like it slowly dropped away. Jodie had stopped
trying to please them. It wasn’t surprising then, when she met a new
guy at her bush-walking club, that he genuinely seemed like he really
wanted to hang. She made sure she made time for herself in the
relationship. She was not always available to him and he respected that
about her. There was quite a long courtship and, difficult as it was at
times, Jodie really allowed herself to be cared for – and allowed
herself to be pursued a little.
Loving ourselves is the essential non-negotiable ingredient for every soulful journey in finding our mate.
To love another is the ultimate expression of grace.
Who we choose as our love partner is
probably one of the most important choices of our adult lives. It is a
decision worthy of our utmost attention, self-awareness and
intelligence. I believe that the yearning we feel from the depths of
our beings for our beloved is our soul speaking. Many of us speak of
wanting a soul mate or soulful partnership, or a soul connection when
referring to our need for profound love. The word ‘soul’ isn’t used
here in any religious context, but within a more contemporary
psychological framework developed by Carl G. Jung, the Swiss
psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Jung’s description of soul refers to
our deepest ways of sensing ourselves, others, and the world. The
soulful path is one of reaching our potential as unique individuals.
When we think of soulful experiences that have stayed with us over time
we may be reminded of those simple single acts we’ve experienced in
life such as the first time we smelt the fragrance of a rose, our first
kiss, or music that suddenly moves us to tears. Soul may also be
experienced as a deep force within us that connects us to others and
the world and that is slowly moving us along in life.
Over the last 30 years the
zeitgeist or spirit of the times has altered the reasons why we are
entering relationship. Both men and women no longer seek marriage just
for economic security and having children. While these are important,
there is a search also for depth of connection and emotional intimacy,
for someone with whom we can grow emotionally, sexually and
spiritually. Women have greater economic independence, are better
educated, and are often involved in careers that are creative,
stimulating and satisfying. Nowadays men are more attuned to their
emotional needs, are interested in developing their whole selves, and
desire equality in their relationships with women.
The essence of soul is love. Love
makes it possible to believe in and create possibilities from the
unknown, even in times of despair. To start with we need to change the
focus we put on the language of love. Very often, love is spoken of as
being ‘out there’, and that our job is to ‘find it’ in order that we
can have some of it. In seeking love we can come from the view that
suggests we have a hole within us needing filling by someone else. If
only we had found love or were loved by someone we’d be okay. This can
feel elusive and even disappointing if we feel we’ve been searching for
a long time and can’t find this love. To take a more soulful approach
is to start looking at love as something that is already inside of us.
In order to nurture it we need to connect to it in ourselves
consistently and live this experience as an outward gesture. The more
we engage in the world through our inner experience of love, the more
we experience love. Taking responsibility for nurturing this love in
ourselves allows us to move closer towards intimate, loving, soulful
connection with another.
This is easier than it sounds. Yes, you read right. Easier
than it sounds. Many of us want love yet don’t have a clear sense of
what it actually is, feels like, or requires of us. Getting clear is
the first step and can lead us to more than one soul mate in our lives,
although for many of us we’d be thrilled to meet just one person we
were deeply compatible with.
Taking a soulful approach starts
with our own profound experience of love and connecting to this
requires use of our heartfelt imagination and inner work. Take a moment
now to connect to your own soulful experience of love by sitting
somewhere quiet and reflecting on the following questions:
Who would you be if you experienced true love in partnership?
Where you’d be, what sounds are around you, how you’d look, how you’d feel.
What would this love transform in you?
How would you be different in the world if you knew deep abiding love?
Take some time to go into this
experience, let it infuse your imagination, your thoughts and feelings.
Begin to feel this love in your heart and allow it to radiate out
through your whole body. With each in-breath breathe in love through
your heart and with each out-breath let it radiate out through your
body like a rippling wave in a pond. Feel this experience warm your
heart and body. Feel the love flow through you and let it flow and
expand out through your body into the world. Start by filling it into
the room you’re in, then spread it to the suburb you live in, the city
you live in, the country you live in, out and up into the sky, into our
solar system, the Universe. Now breathe that back in. Connect to the
love that is out in the Universe, in the world, in your suburb, in the
house or block of units you live in and breath it back in. Feel the
warmth, bathe in the feeling of love flowing from the Universe to you
and through you.
Allow yourself to lie or sit there
in that feeling of love flowing through you and from the Universe to
you. When you are ready slowly open your eyes, gently sit up and take
time to write down your thoughts and feelings.
This is the groundwork for how we
can operate in the world now. It is the starting point of living love
as an outward gesture in the world. This is the first step, possibly
the most important, on the soulful path to love. Most of us usually
need to work consciously towards reclaiming or expanding our ability to
love due to the many wounds we have sustained along the way, often from
an early age. Our love and self-knowledge can be developed through a
journey of inner reflection, therapy, being in nature, meditative
practices, doing service.
Shushann Movsessian MAppSc.(Soc Ecol), Dip.Teach,clinical member CAPA, PACFA
Shushann
has worked as a counsellor and psychotherapist in the Eastern suburbs
of Sydney for the past 17 years. She has a deep interest in deepening
relationships through combining her counselling skills and expertise
with healing, tango and tantra. She has worked with individuals and
relationships in addressing love, intimacy and sexuality. She has also
been working as a love coach taking a soulful approach for individuals
seeking partnership or partners wanting to deepen the relationships
they are in. She is on her own path of love with her relationships, the
beach and her poodle who teaches her about acceptance and patience
everyday.