Adventurous Soul Required

Dear Vibration Pattern 041055

We are delighted to confirm your place with The Cosmic University. Please find contract enclosed.

Starting Date: A.S.A.P. No trial period.

Requirements: An ability to forget your divine origins and powers essential.

Course Fees: Negotiable, depending on karmic debt. Travel expenses to be borne by the University.

Career Opportunities: Advancement as Ascended Master.

Course Description: An eighty year study as a Human Being. Based on Planet Earth, you are to experience the physical dimension of existence.

Orientation: On enrolment you will be implanted in a donor Earthling body (female). For nine months you will be secure in a safe and warm environment to adjust to the confines of solid matter (flesh). On completion you will be ejected. Some students report this as being a traumatising event.

Donor Parents:
Mother - from Wales, a region in the United Kingdom known for its coal, sheep, Male Voice Choir and guttarally challenging language. She will give you a nurturing environment in which to learn; to eat too much; the hazards of garlic; a Freudian viewpoint and a love of the ridiculous.
Father - a workaholic from Russian Jewish background. He will offer intellectual superiority. Due to his innovative brain and musical brilliance you may choose to experience inadequacy. He will also implant a frequent desire for Indian food at restaurants called The Taj Mahal.

Studies include:

Living in England; the largest portion of the United Kingdom, which once controlled a vast Empire. After a rapid decline the inhabitants now have the reputation for being as colourless as many of their previous leaders.

Earthly education; An all girls school in London, the capital, has been chosen. You will be average at everything, although we feel you will enjoy being particularly bad at Chemistry.

Being female: Earth is unique. Humans have split into two sexes - male and female! You are encouraged to discover dysfunctional sexuality and test gender dominance.

Being judgemental: A chance to seperate from humanity by the use of labels. You are required to find as many as possible for everyone including yourself. Creating new labels for individuals and/or groups is emphasised.

Personality: Humans believe all character traits are divided between them. We want you to explore the traits of over-indulgence, under-assertiveness and extreme nice-ness. You are also required to forfeit your present understanding of feelings. Devote yourself to intellectualism. Listen to your head, not your heart.

Usually a placement of this kind offers a wide variety of choices. Unfortunately, this being the final placement of the year, favourite experiences such as success, wealth and a permanent loving relationship have been allocated. We must, therefore, give you the remainder. These include:
Financial insecurity
Blocked creativity
An inability to conform
Restless nature
Dependency on alcohol, nicotine and fast foods
Unrequited love
A permanent smile
Unexpressed anger
Loose joints and neck ache
Distorted sense of humour
Slow metabolic rate

We are unable to interfere once you have embarked on these studies, but will watch your human journey with compassion. We're including a little cosmic joke - an occasional sense of your divinity. However, sharing this insight will result in the further label of 'mentally unstable'.

Enrolment Pack: Blueprint for being Human.

We expect total commitment and the best from such a promising student. We wish you an absorbing adventure. And please remember to forget who you truly are.